Module 30: Listening with a Heart as Wide as the World

11/26/2018

With this final module, our 18-mos. journey is complete! As spiritual guides, we are ever attuned to the highest and most precious purpose of our calling: sacred listening through presence. In the words of Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, “Listening creates a holy silence. When you listen generously to people, they can hear truth in themselves, often for the first time. And in the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone. Eventually, you may be able to hear, in everyone and beyond everyone, the unseen singing softly to itself and to you.”

In this module, we will do a final exploration and synthesis of sacred listening in these three areas: listening within yourself, listening with and for others, listening to the heart of the world. The proposed RQs and the RE will help you put your experience of listening as a spiritual guide into form which can then be incorporated into your final project.

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“Helping, fixing, and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.”
Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

16 Comments

Jeffrey Phillips

11/30/2018 06:54:56 pm

RQ (Nepo).

1. To listen means to understand at the level of knowledge and feeling. It is to intuit the unspoken but clear feelings, "body language," and contexts that sometimes demonstrate, sometimes contradict, and sometimes augment the words that are spoken. To listen means to pay attention to how the other person's story and presence are resonating within yourself. To listen is to offer yourself, your being, your presence, your gifts to the other person. I appreciate David Augsburger's quote, " Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable." Listening is loving.

I had only one grandparent, and I do not remember her spending time with me (she had dozens of grandchildren, so I do not hold this against her). She also died when I was seven. However, the woman who lived next door to my parents' store (and who owned the store itself) was like a grandmother to me. I remember going to Mrs. Petty's house, sitting on the porch swing with her, and enjoying the attention she gave me - as if I were the most important person in the world. She listened to me. What could a six-year-old have to say that this old lady found interesting? Probably nothing, but she listened to me and thereby seemed to delight in me. She embodied divine kindness, and her example is important to me today. I try to take time to talk to children and just listen to them as Mrs. Petty listened to me. And I try to talk to them like they're people, not little people.

3. To listen to myself means paying attention to things I would otherwise miss, such as a sadness I'm feeling, a physical pain I'm experiencing, something I'm worrying about, or a delight I am enjoying. To listen to myself means to allow my own suffering to arise, and not be overwhelmed or discouraged by it, but to see it as a pathway to healing. To listen to myself is to notice the chatter, the obsessive thinking, and the constant monologues and dialogues in my mind, and then to let them go rather than to follow them. To listen to myself is to do what Mrs. Petty did for me and what my spiritual director does for me today: to love myself and practice "self-compassion." Listening to myself opens space within myself for other voices, other presences, other beings that would invite me to new places and deeper compassion for others.

I began to sense this in August 2017, but I hope it is more acute after sixteen months of practice, learning, and reflecting on the art of paying attention to my interior. I certainly know that I have a long way to go in this, but am encouraged by the increased inner peace, patience, and empathy for others that the expanded inner spaciousness provided by listening has brought me. I would say inner listening - and contemplation in general - has become more a way of life, and less a "thing I'm trying to do." I am certainly more convinced (or at least reminded in a powerful way) of the old CPE theory that effective ministry comes from within - from the awareness that comes from continuous self-reflection, even as one ministers to others. One can call that "listening to the self."

11/30/2018 07:32:13 pm

RQ (Millis).

1. By "Quaker phrase," I think you mean, "Is this a message that can improve upon the silence?" I don't think Millis identifies it as a Quaker phrase, and the clip I saw didn't provide context for what she was teaching, but I'm again assuming that it was within the Quaker worship context of knowing when to speak a word out of the silence that will edify the community. Millis seems to identify three "tests" (which she calls "gates") from the Sufi tradition which might guide a listener about when it is appropriate to break the silence and speak.

The question itself implies that silence has its own value, and is its own teacher, for those who share it. The phrase suggests that silence is preferred to speaking, and that one should only speak if one must.

For me, this is helpful because I am a talker, and have been socialized to believe that silence is wasted time. Silence is awkward for people like me. Silence is for those who are not smart enough or are too shy to do the important work of engaging in banter. Society does not value silence, regarding it as "dead air" to be avoided. Even church is not quiet. The question conveys the importance of discerning carefully if to speak, when to speak, how to speak, and what to speak. I wish I had learned this in seminary.

Story: Parker Palmer spoke at an afternoon session at my divinity school one day. I attended, and found him BORING beyond belief. He was probably talking about the importance of listening, or some other aspect of the spiritual life. I remember knowing two Quaker students at HDS, and thinking how SHALLOW their tradition was. I can only say how embarrassed I am now about these attitudes, and how different I want to be now from the divinity student I was back then - and the pastor I was for much of my career.

2. "Is it true?" This is a deeper question than, "Is it factual?" "Truth" suggests something of lasting, broad value to the world that is beyond the two people talking. If something is true, it matters. Millis further defines this first gate as requiring the would-be speaker to consider what has happened, what his or her feelings are about it, and whether and why it is important to the would-be speaker. This first gate seems the narrowest, the one most likely to stop the speaker from speaking. This is a helpful gate for me to consider as a spiritual guide because, once again, I am a talker, and I am prone to speak just because I can, not because my message is "true" in the rich and restrictive sense that Millis proposes.

"Is it necessary?" As in REALLY necessary. Few things that I as a spiritual guide may want to say are REALLY necessary. They may make me look smart, make me look like I'm paying attention, make me look like I'm trying to be helpful, but that are not often going to be REALLY necessary. If my proposed message made it past Gate One, I doubt it would squeeze through Gate Two. I like Millis's suggestion that we figure out what is necessary with the help of another person. However, I don't think I will have the benefit of that in a spiritual guidance session (although I may ask myself, "What would Jan do? Or, what would Jeannette do? Or, would my own spiritual director find this a necessary thing to say?)

"Is it kind?" Ah, yes - kindness. Even if the message is intended to build up, how will it be heard? As a critique? As "I'm smarter/more spiritual than you"? As "You're getting there, but not quite OK"? Can we put ourselves in the seeker's place before we speak so that we can remember how we are perceived by them as spiritual guides,and how our clearest, most well-intentioned comments might be misconstrued? This clearly requires the wisdom of Solomon and LOTS of practice and feedback/supervision.

Considering the three gates together, it would seem that the safest course of action, especially when in doubt, is to maintain silence. THIS IS HARD!

12/1/2018 08:21:11 am

RQ (Millis article).

2 (Loring). When I read something that I find important, I underline it. When it i s especially helpful or insightful, I put a star next to it in the margin. When it's even more meaningful, I may place a second or third star. When the information is essential and transformative, I've been known to underline, place multiple stars, and then bracket the passage. Even before reading the RQ, that's waht I did with Loring's four points.

I appreciate the point made in Loring's preceding paragraph, as the RQ repeats, that our goal as spiritual guides is to allow Holy Presence to be born in the space we are helping to create with the seeker. We do this, she says, "by giving over our own agendas, [and welcoming] God with us, a third presence in our encounter." This reminds me of the "third chair" practice of some spiritual directors. As I consider the practicalities of my own future practice, I may wish to design my session space with that third chair as a reminder, at least to me, of the unseen but palpable divine reality that dwells with us in each session - the True Guide.

As for Loring's four points about listening.....

The first one earned two stars and a complete circle around it. This is me, completely, and I cannot be too aware of this tendency in myself as I receive seekers (or encounter any other human being in any situation, in fact).

Likewise the second bullet point.

And no less for the third one - two stars and two brackets.

Interestingly, Loring's fourth point was left unmarked. I don't think in ministry that I've ever felt responsible for solving people's problems or healing them. I have always believed deeply in the power of presence alone to be an agent of healing and peace in a person's life - what my CPE supervisor called "incarnational ministry." I have always believed that healing is such a large and complex undertaking that, in many cases, it will take more time than I have with the person (and that, in fact, "time heals all"), and that it will often require the sustained effort of another trained professional to address the person's deep-seated issues. Now, as a budding spiritual guide who may be seeing the same person for many months, if not years, I may play a larger role in the person's healing. However, I think I will always have reasonable expectations for what can be done and not done in our relationship. And, if healing comes, it will not be my doing, but will primarily be the work (and "faith") of the seeker in concert with the loving, healing power of God.

12/2/2018 03:34:07 pm

RQ (Ostaseski). Frank Ostaseski's "three center check-in" is as helpful as it is simple: head, heart, and body. Its simplicity explains its value. However, I am wondering about the differences between then, and the relationship and integration of head, heart, and body in the listening process, which Ostaseski fails to present. He mentions "wisdom, clarity, and discernment" as products of listening with the head. But it seems to me that these important aspects of spiritual guidance are as much a fruit of the heart as they are of the head - a combination of the two. Still, head and heart are distinct, and it does take both to really "hear" one's self, the other person, and God.

What is most helpful for me as a spiritual guide is the presenter's reminder about the importance of listening with the body. As he says, "the body's always present" - even when our empathy and rationality may drift! I can see how the body makes us "present," but how can body aware cultivate intuition, as Ostaseski maintains? Perhaps he means that, by paying attention to our bodies, we "hear" what's not being spoken with words - how our bodies can intuit pain, joy, despair, and anger that the mind and heart cannot quite capture. If so, then, yes, listening with the body can be intuitive.

He begins the video with a reminder that good listening benefits the speaker AND the listener. This prompts me to remember that being a spiritual guide isn't just work that benefits the seeker. It can be enjoyable, insightful, and deeply spiritual (and thus deeply rewarding and satisfying) for the guide as well. he says something like, "It bring us into contact with ourselves and this moment." Yes! This is what I want, and I look forward to it!

Jan

12/3/2018 07:57:43 am

Jeffrey, I have so appreciated your reflections here. It is obvious that you have been giving a lot of thought to your listening practice of this year. I'd like to post this here, as an addendum to what you have said and to encourage us to be aware of the nuances of listening.

Just Listen an excerpt, Rachel Naomi Remen

"I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. And especially if it's given from the heart. When people are talking, there's no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they're saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it. Most of us don't value ourselves or our love enough to know this. It has taken me a long time to believe in the power of simply saying, "I'm so sorry," when someone is in pain. And meaning it.

One of my patients told me that when she tried to tell her story people often interrupted her to tell her that they once had something just like that happen to them. Subtly her pain became a story about themselves. Eventually she stopped talking to most people. It was just too lonely. We connect through listening. When we interrupt what someone is saying to let them know that we understand, we move the focus of attention to ourselves. When we listen, they know we care. Many people with cancer talk about the relief of having someone just listen.

I have even learned to respond to someone crying by just listening. In the old days I used to reach for the tissues, until I realized that passing a person a tissue may be just another way to shut them down, to take them out of their experience of sadness and grief. Now I just listen. When they have cried all they need to cry, they find me there with them.

This simple thing has not been that easy to learn. it certainly went against everything I had been taught since I was very young. I thought people listened only because they were too timid to speak or did not know the answer. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well intentioned words."

barbara

12/3/2018 01:36:44 pm

thank you. thank you

12/3/2018 09:05:40 pm

RQ (Global Spirit).

1. I want to have as much spiritual depth as Phil Cosineau, Kay Olan, and Orland Bishop. How do I do that? Olan makes the point that telling and hearing stories requires slowing down. It takes time to reveal deep values. Yet, she says, a small detail in a story can also reveal the whole story. In either case, it takes more time (and patience?) than I've ever put into anything. I've been on the "fast track" my whole life, and have always had trouble slowing down to the speed of life, which may be the speed of story. When I was in kindergarten, story time was NOT my favorite period. ADD?

Now, my entire theology is based on the truth and power of story. Still, I have trouble paying attention to the details of stories, which is where their nuances and depth are uncovered. It's all about listening with empathy and paying attention to the subtleties.

Among the things I'd like to study next is the link between spirituality and fiction - another (and more entertaining) way of accessing ancient and imminent transformative truth.

Yes, stories can heal the world, but first they need to heal the listeners/readers. We need to be convinced of their truth before we advise others to listen. That is, we first have to hone our listening skills to the stories around us before we share our own stories. Our listening to others models the listening that others need to learn.

Kay Olan (paraphrased): "Stories make us powerful and gives us perspective. When somebody else [the listener] thinks my story is important, then they're saying I'm important. My life has meaning." Wow.

Orland Bishop (paraphrased): "As a story is told, it becomes true. When two people tell and hear a story, they make an agreement to live." This means that the telling of story today (even a story of the past) has the power to generate life in the future. But there must be a teller and hearer, a speaker and a listener.

Yes, stories heal. Stories transform.

12/3/2018 09:27:58 pm

RQ (Global Spirit)

2. I am remembering a story told by one of my seekers about a very painful experience related to her career. It was so wounding that it took her three full sessions just to tell the entire story. At the "end," she still didn't have any insight into why it happened (which was her big question about it). Still, I trust that something healing might have happened as I mostly just listened to her and "held" her story.

Sometimes there are no answers, and sometimes healing doesn't seem to be coming, either. If a story is so important that it takes three hours to tell it, we are clearly in the terrain of mystery, and one can only trust the process and the Spirit that something holy is possible in the unfolding of the story - or in the later reflection on the unfolding.

How has this changed me? As I reflect on this experience of holding her story, I see that my call in this situation (and in the spiritual guidance setting generally) is to JUST LISTEN. We are uncovering sacred wounds here, opening them to the possibility of perspective, light, air, companionship, and future action - all of which might result in significant personal growth and spiritual freedom. It's holy work.

12/3/2018 09:37:49 pm

RQ (Global Spirit)

3. I still don't think I'm very good at it, and believe that I have a lot to learn about it, which is better than thinking I am good at it and have no further work to do! Listening has always been hard for me, and listening from the heart has been even harder. It's certainly better to know this than to not know it, especially if one aspires to be a spiritual guide!

And yet, as I mentioned in part 2 in this RQ, I think I am demonstrating some ability to simply listen and allow my inner self to be stirred as I do so, rather than simply listen for facts with my head. This reminds me of Ostaseski's three-fold "center check-in" of head, heart, and body, and Jan's early teaching to listen with our body. To listen with the whole self: this is my goal. And to simply listen without needing to diagnose, prescribe, or otherwise cast any judgments or harbor any expectations: this, too, is my goal.

12/7/2018 11:03:50 am

RQ (Pure Presence, lesson 14)

1. This is a helpful exercise because, as has often been noted, some people are easier to love than others. Likewise, some people are harder to see Christ in, although the Universal Christ, being universal, is in all.

The metaphor of putting on special glasses is helpful as I often think that the way we interpret texts depends on what "lenses" we wear. Is our hermeneutic one of grace or judgment, faith or doubt? Likewise, are we predisposed to see Christ/the sacred in one who is gruff, "hopeless," or an enemy? We can do so if we put on those glasses.

It helps me as well to remember that the most difficult person in the world was once, or still is, somebody's beloved daughter or son, and that she or he has a context that I may not know about that explains why they are "that way."

I also find it helpful to remember that just as this person annoys me, I'm sure I annoy other people. How do I want to be treated by the person who finds me irritating?

If all else fails, I can think of that person as a "test" - someone who gives me an opportunity to put "sacred vision" into practice, and put the teachings of Jesus and the world's religions into practice - to love all, not just some, to love the unlovable, not only those who are easy to love.

When I slip on those glasses, there is peace in me, and an easiness that allows me more options with which to respond to that person. I also find that I am less likely to talk or argue, which is always a good thing. I am able to let that person be her/himself in the unique way they are - even if they are obviously wrong or rude!

2. Yes, it's not just "strangers" for whom we need to wear the glasses of sacred vision, but the people closest to. I like the question itself - "to see...with Jesus', Buddha's, Muhammad's eyes." Yes, to expand our sacred vision to the way in which the founders of all the great spiritual traditions taught to see, perceive, and value the Other. This is not a Christian thing, not a function of my pastoral calling, but a global and ancient thing. That deepens it for me. The eyeglasses become more durable.

What might life be like? For myself? For the Other? For the world itself? Well, it starts with me, of course (since I can't control what others do). I can suggest this wonderful practice to others in my ministry and in spiritual guidance. I can model it for others. "A little yeast leavens the whole loaf," as somebody once said.

This is where interspirituality is not just a concept but a movement of social change, and why the networks and institutions we establish within this movement are important (a challenge among people who left "organized religion" and are probably suspicious of any kind of
organized" spiritual movement).

12/9/2018 04:18:34 pm

I reviewed the fifteen sessions I've had with SD, a pastoral colleague, from the perspective of my listening.

I would like to think I have grown in my listening, but, unfortunately, I seem to struggle with the same listening challenges I struggled with in September 2017: my need to talk/teach/suggest; my discomfort with listening and silence; and my need to control the conversation to achieve a desired outcome.

Sometimes I wonder if I can do SG at all, but other times I think I just need more practice and supervision/peer support. I do think that my ability to name my struggles with listening has improved, and that is probably more important than I realize.

I am also less concerned with a number of things that concerned me in September 2017: how to begin/end a session; whether I have to remember details of previous conversations; whether and what to suggest to the seeker; whether a session is straying into counselling; and discomfort with silence itself. Being more comfortable with these things allows me to be less preoccupied with "doing it the right way," and more in the moment and empathetic with the seeker.

I am also sincerely hopeful that the longer I do a daily contemplative practice myself, and the longer I go to my own spiritual director, the better listener I'll become. I am convinced that success as a SG is all about growing interiorly. The more suffused I am with the divine, and the more in touch I am with my own interior spiritual movements, the less I'll need to talk, impress, and fix, and the more effective and empathetic a listener I'll be.

12/9/2018 06:00:20 pm

Jeffrey, again, I am appreciating all that I am reading here. I applaud your transparency and your willingness to go deep, looking back at the conversations had and the ways in which you have grown. My sense is that you have grown more than you are willing to give voice to. You may be struggling with some of the same issues but you have new awareness of so many more things that enable you to be present just as you are with others. And that can be enough...

Barbara Buckley

12/20/2018 04:23:00 pm

Jeffrey
I am so appreciative of reflections and comments you’ve shared with us on these pages throughout our time together. Your commitment to your learning and personal growth,
as reflected on these pages comes through loud and clear. ( and seems to me evidence of the ways you have changed in the process). I too feel like my issues haven’t changed much but the ways in which I interact with them is different and the. Degree to which my “stuff” interferes with the conversations has diminished. I imagine that’s true for you too.
Your comments each module have been a gift to me. Sometimes if I haven’t read something yet, your reflections have been a bit of a “cliff notes” for me!! But mostly I have received the gift of you sharing your authentic self.
I wish I had done more of my own writing and sharing. Our stories ( and thoughts too sometimes) clearly are the way we are known.
I believe you are a wonderful spiritual guide and, like a good wine, you’ll only get better with age.
Many many thanks. I will miss these reflections.

12/21/2018 07:44:37 am

Barbara, I concur! I am not sure if Jeffrey is reading our responses, but, like you, I too have been moved by his faithfulness in writing and sharing. It is has been very stimulating and has allowed us to go deeper in our studies and reflection. Thank YOU for also sharing now and then and bearing witness to this process.

12/9/2018 05:28:17 pm

RQ (Archetypes)

1. I re-read Fullam and Mabry's article to prepare for these RQs, and was glad I did (I had forgotten most of it!).

It seems to be me that the archetype we embody for each seeker depends on the seeker rather than the guide, but Fullam and Mabry are quick to say that the kind of archetype we are also depends on whether we have it in us to be that kind of archetype at all.

Looking at it from the latter perspective, I would like to think that I can be a coach, a confessor, a guru, a soul friend, and a companion. It's hard for me to think of myself as a saint!

Regarding my two consistent seekers this last year and a half, I was sometimes a coach to both, recommending resources, checking in, supporting, and advising them on their journeys. I was definitely also a confessor to each at different times. MK probably needs a soul friend, and would like to think of me that way (at least sometimes), and maybe that's what I can be for her! At times, it felt that I functioned as companion to SD since we are both pastors, and her issues often had to do with her calling and parish. I also sometimes felt like a guru to MK, but that feels "wrong" (and contrary to what SG is about as I understand it) as it makes me the unveiler of new spiritual worlds for MK. Is this what she wants? Maybe. Maybe not.

2. I don't know that I did any of archetype-embodying consciously, but I do believe that my sessions would have gone better if I had remembered and paid more attention to the archetype theory as they went along. I had forgotten three important things that probably would have helped my sessions: a. people perceive us to be different archetypes, b. they need us to be different archetypes at different times, and c. each guide is differently gifted and predisposed when it comes to the archetypes we are able to embody. Perhaps as I move forward with spiritual guidance, looking again at Fullam and Mabry (and answering these RQs) may help me be more comfortable being a different archetype with different clients rather than thinking that SG is supposed to be the same thing for each seeker and for each guide. As always, awareness is the key. I hope to more aware of this helpful dynamic as I do more SG.

One thing I will remember from re-reading Fullam and Mabry is their re-tweet of what must be a standard saying within spiritual guidance: "Don't speak unless spoken through." Amen! (But how does one know that it is the divine seeking to speak through you rather than one's own ego?)

12/9/2018 05:44:30 pm

RQ (Archetypes).

3. I think I am a "natural" coach, confessor, guru, and companion. I love sharing resources and suggestions. I understand and value my priestly/pastoral role to include hearing people's more difficult revelations. I am only slightly reluctant to claim "guru" because I do enjoy sharing the complexities of new spiritual worlds with people. And with clergy especially, I feel that I can be a genuine companion - a fellow pilgrim (one of my favorite words) who walks the same road.

The "soul friend" archetype seems like an uncomfortable and unhelpful blend of "palsy walsy" friendship and spiritual guidance. Of course, maybe I am functioning as a "soul friend" when I have an informal spiritual conversation with a colleague, neighbor, or even church member. (Archetypes may function that way sometimes: they happen even when you're not aware of it!)

"Saint" seems a bit above my pay grade - someone who inhabits the best virtues of a spiritual tradition. It seems that one can only fall off that pedestal. However, if archetypes happen despite whether we think they fit us or not, I cannot stop others from putting me on that pedestal. There is one woman in my parish who went directly to the senior pastor and told him that I am the most spiritual person she has ever met (a "saint"?). As much evidence as there is to the contrary (evidence that can be presented in abundance by me and many others), I suppose I cannot stop her from thinking this way. Maybe the truth is this: she needs someone who, in her view, genuinely and "purely" embodies the tradition/spirituality. Maybe for her I'm a spiritual star, even if I don't think I'm a star at all, and even if I think (as I do) that this could lead to all kinds of problems.

Module 30: Listening with a Heart as Wide as the World

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